Have you ever known someone who apologized for everything — even things that had nothing to do with them? I had a friend like that; I’d complain about the weather and she’d apologize for it. 
Many people (particularly women) find themselves apologizing for everything. Sometimes those apologies are appropriate and sometimes they’re not — such as my friend, the Controller of All Weather.
When should you apologize and — perhaps more importantly — how do you apologize?
How to apologize
Obviously, if you have done something wrong, you need to say you’re sorry, and take responsibility to make it better, if appropriate. Sometimes just saying sincerely that you’re sorry is enough. Most people are very forgiving.
- “I backed my car over your rose bush. I’m so sorry! Please tell me what kind it was and I’ll replace it.”
- “Oops! Didn’t see you standing there. Sorry about stepping on your toes!”
- “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I’ve been having a bad day and I took it out on you.”
Some apologies are more important than others:
- “I made an error on your bookkeeping and your checking account is overdrawn. I’m very sorry about that. I’ll pay for your bounced-check charges.”
- “I’m sorry that I fixed the wrong thing on your car and the engine blew up. I’ll replace it at no charge.”
- “I accidentally booked your vacation to Siberia instead of San Paolo. I’m so sorry! I’ll get you a refund.”
The following are not apologies, but blaming the other person for your own behavior:
- “I’m sorry, but it was your own fault.”
- “I’m sorry I lashed out, but you make me so angry!”
- “I’m sorry, but only a stupid person would make a comment like that.”
But when you have made a carefully thought-out decision about how to live your life, there is no need to apologize. Here are three things (of many, including the weather!) that you never need to apologize for:
- Your life
- Your career
- Your relationships
Make no mistake — sometimes your decisions will affect other people, and even hurt their feelings. Your mom will be crushed if you move out of the house. Your partner may rage when you say you want to end the relationship. Your coworkers could feel sad and abandoned when you get a new job.
You can’t control how others feel
But always remember that you’re not responsible for how they feel. You can’t “make” anyone feel anything. Their emotional reactions are theirs, and theirs alone. You can say or do exactly the same thing to the same person on different days and it’s likely that you will get different emotional reactions each time, depending on what’s going on with them.
If you live based on how people will react to your decisions, you’re not living your life at all, but a pale imitation of what it could be. As long as your actions are not intended to be deliberately hurtful, for the joy of causing pain, you have no need to apologize.
While you are not responsible for — and can’t control — other people’s emotions, you can recognize that your actions or words have had an impact on them.
You can say:
- “I can see what I’ve said has really upset you. I’m sorry.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
- “I’m sorry that you feel ___. That was not my intent.”
Note that these are not apologies for the behavior, but heartfelt mea culpas for the distress your actions have caused.
Depending on your relationship with the other person, you may go into an in-depth explanation of why you made your decision. If you do, recognize that there will almost certainly be some push-back and possibly some manipulation (“If you really loved me, you wouldn’t take a job that pays more money than what I’m making”). Be prepared for it and stick to your guns.
What apology techniques have worked best for you? And how do you handle the push-back? I’d love to hear!