While preparing the other day for a podcast guest spot with Sheri Fitts, a social media specialist in the financial sector, I came across a comment about the glass ceiling that set me back on my heels.
Selena Rezvani, author of Pushback: How Smart Women Ask — and Stand Up — for What They Want, states that women’s unwillingness to exercise their own power — to ask for and negotiate for what they want — plays a role in adding to the inequities in the workplace.
Oh sure, I thought. Let’s go ahead and blame the victim.
How women contribute to inequality
But the more I pondered, the more I wondered: Are women to blame for the glass ceiling? You can make a strong case for it. If we are not willing to step forward and ask for what we want, what we deserve, we are in fact contributing to pay inequities. We are not just creating our own glass ceiling, but we are actively shoring it up, holding it in place above our heads. And we have been doing it for decades. Decades! We are indeed self-made victims.
This is not just about what we earn today, but how we survive in our later years. We make less money now, our pensions are lower (if we’re lucky enough to have pensions). Our Social Security payments will be lower. And when you consider that most wives will outlive their better-paid husbands — and will lose their husbands’ Social Security benefits on his death — this becomes a real economic and societal issue.
Believe it or not, it gets worse.
Not only are we victimizing ourselves, but every woman who comes after us — our nieces, our daughters, our granddaughters — all those who follow in our footsteps. The truly sad part? We women are already experienced negotiators. We negotiate all the time — we just don’t recognize it. Anyone who has worked with committees has negotiated. Anyone who has participated in choosing a restaurant has negotiated. Anyone who has been in a relationship or has kids has definitely negotiated.
Think about those times in your life when you have successfully completed a negotiation and you will agree. You are better and more skilled at it than you realize.
Why women are great negotiators
One of the key elements that make us women so good at negotiations — at home, in the community and in the workplace — is that we are collaborative decision-makers. We listen and ask questions. We have conversations. We need more of all these qualities.
So why are we denying the world (and ourselves) of our skills and abilities? We are afraid of confrontations. We are more concerned about maintaining good relationships than we are with getting what we want. We want people to like us.
The good news is that you don’t have to be confrontational to succeed. You don’t have to damage relationships. Use the skills you already have and sharpen them.
Here are some suggestions:
- Value yourself. Try this exercise from Rezvani’s book: Find a handful of people who you can trust to be honest with you and ask them this: What two things do they consider your gifts? And in what two areas do they think you are holding yourself back? I think you’ll be amazed at what you learn about yourself.
- Give yourself permission. You are allowed to want things for yourself. Really. More money, more authority, more success, more freedom, more…whatever it is you want. A bigger house, a faster car, a cabin on the lake. It’s not selfish to want things for yourself; it’s a sign of self-love. And if you find yourself saying, “I should want…” stop right there. You are probably repeating someone else’s expectations for you. Live your life, not someone else’s.
- Do your homework. Whether it is a raise, a promotion, more clients or whatever else it is you want, do your research. Salary.com has a nifty calculator that can help you figure out what other people are making in your job title, industry and locale. But don’t stop there. Keep searching to get the information you need to make your pitch. If you want a bigger house, check local real estate transactions. If you want more clients, see where they hang out — online or in person — and hang out there, too.
- Assign value. The value can be how much business you’ve brought in the last year. It can be how much more business you clients have landed since hiring you as their go-to woman. It can be what other houses are being sold for in the area you want to live. Attach a numeric value to bolster your negotiations. And what if you can’t point to a bottom-line improvement — either in new revenue or savings — then what? If you’ve taken on more responsibility, assign value to that, too. You’ve handled X more accounts in the last year. You’ve increased the number of people you supervise by Y. Think about it. Be creative.
- Practice, practice, practice. Find a coach, friend, family member — anyone who can sit with you and practice your negotiations pitch. Tell your practice partner how you expect the other person to react and ask them to exaggerate it. It will help you better organize your thinking and shore up any places that need additional work. And you can do as many do-overs as you need until you feel confident and comfortable. Keep the conversation focused on the issues, not the person; that’s one key way to maintain constructive relationships.
- Aim high. If you’re looking for a raise, pick a percentage increase. Then bump it up another 20%. Did your stomach just drop? Remember: Women make 77 cents to the dollar every man makes, generally speaking, so you’re already at a deficit. You’ve done the research, you know what you’re worth. Ask for it…and a little bit more. Expect that there will be some give and take — that’s what negotiations are all about.
- What’s your bottom line? Before you go into your negotiations, know how low you’re willing to go. And be prepared to walk away if you don’t get it.
Do it for your “now” self and your future self. But if you still can’t make that shift, then do it for future generations.
What’s the most successful negotiation you completed? I’d love to share your victory!