How would your life change if you used these two sentences?
I want/like _____________________.
I don’t want/like ____________________.
Many people, men and women, don’t think they have the right to want (or not
want) things for themselves. In particular, women lack assertiveness skills. They don’t want to appear greedy or needy or pushy or unladylike. They have been taught to put the needs of others before their own, particularly in their personal lives.
The thing is, we already have the skills to say what we want and what we don’t want. And we use them all the time.
Asking for what you want
- You go to the grocery store and you tell the man behind the deli counter, “I want an Italian sub. And I don’t like mayo.”
- You go to the hair stylist and say, “I like the curly look but I don’t want to get a perm.”
- You go to the library and tell the librarian, “I want a great book and I don’t like to read anything socially significant.”
- Your kids have just torn up your house. “I want this mess cleaned up in 10 minutes,” you say, “and I don’t want to hear any backtalk.”
Easy-peasy, right? Admittedly, there’s not much at stake in these conversations, but the same skills you already have can be applied to dicier situations. And they work.
You need a new car. You tell the salesman, “I want a four-door sedan and I don’t want to spend more than $10,000.”
You’ve worked like a dog for a year at your job and have gone above and beyond the call of duty many times. You outline those points to your boss and tell her, “I want to be fairly compensated for my hard work and I’d like to work on a more flexible schedule.”
You’re not getting the attention you want from a loved one. “I want to spend more time with you,” you say, “and I don’t want to be interrupted by kids or cell phones.”
Here are three essential rights, outlined by Dr. Manuel J. Smith in his book, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.”
You have the right to want what you want,
and don’t want, and to tell people in your life about it.
It’s not a matter of being right or wrong. It’s about being true to who you are, and owning your own wishes and desires. It’s about what works for you and what doesn’t. It doesn’t have to be fair, logical or anything else – it’s you and your life, and you owe it to yourself, and others, to be honest about it.
You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses
for justifying your behavior.
By giving people the right to question your reasons, you are living by their rules and under their judgment that you are “wrong” for your decision. When you explain your behavior, you are saying other people have the right to judge it and you are responsible to them for your behavior.
Is that what you want in your life – to be governed by what other people think is right for you?
You have the right to decide if you are responsible
for finding solutions to other people’s problems.
It’s a pretty common thought process: You have an obligation to things and institutions larger than yourself and you should sacrifice what you want to keep these things and institutions from falling apart. If you have problems with The System, this magical thinking goes, you need to change, not vice versa.
Going back to the car example: If the vehicle you buy is a lemon, do you not have the right to get your money back or a replacement – even if it means the dealer or the manufacturer takes a hit? If the counterman gives you mayo on your sub, do you not have the right to get a new one, even if it means throwing the other one away?
There are ways to have these types of conversations that allow you to speak your mind – what you want and don’t want. Check out “How to stop being a doormat.”
And start changing your life.