It took me a long time to get there, but I finally realized that — at its base level — criticism is a gift. Criticism tells 
you people are paying attention to you and what you do. And they care enough to make their views known.
So the answer to the question “What to do when you’re criticized?” is two words: Be grateful.
Yes, I know. Some of these people will be buttheads. Some of them will be manipulators, trying to get you to do what they want you to do. Some people will be haters and some will be insecure and cannot feel good about themselves unless they put down other people.
It might gall you, but say “Thank you” anyway, because a smart person like you can learn something from every experience. So start with gratitude and use the following ways to deal with critical people.
What to do when you’re criticized
- Know who you are. It’s much easier to examine criticism on its merits when you have a good idea of who you are. And it’s much easier to figure out what is true and what isn’t when you’re coming from a place of strength, self-knowledge and honesty. Bonus point: This will also keep you from being manipulated or easily swayed by flattery.
- Hang on to your emotions. Getting angry or defensive serves no purpose.
- Repeat, in your words, what you heard. There could be a misunderstanding and you can clear it up then and there.
- Use the assertiveness technique known as “negative assertion.” Someone has just landed a blow and the criticism is totally untrue and unfair. You’re first reaction is lash out. Don’t. Defuse the situation by using negative assertion, which is acknowledging your perceived flaws without agreeing. Some examples:
“You know, you could be right. I’m sure I could be a better ___.”
“I may not be the smartest person in the room.”
- Who is this critic anyway? Criticism from a boss or a client is different from a competitor, friend or loved one. Try to figure out the motivation. People often act in their own best interest – even those closest to you. Any big change you make will change your relationships with others.
- What was the intent? Was the criticism given in anger? Deliberately hurtful? Remember, it takes skill, patience and practice to offer good feedback and most people don’t know how to do it. Keep that in mind before you react.
- Take it in. Just because someone was hurtful doesn’t mean they’re wrong. Let those comments “age” past the desire to lash out in retaliation.
- Check it out. Take that feedback to someone you know and trust. See what they say.
- Turn it around. If you’ve decided there is merit in the criticism, use it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Sometimes it requires a hard knock for us to learn what we need to learn.
- Admit it. If you’ve done something demonstrably wrong, admit it. Most people are kind and generous and are willing to forgive a mistake. However, if it’s a judgment of you, instead of your actions, go back to “who is this critic.” Is this someone you respect? Someone who knows you well and has your best interests at heart?
- Trust yourself. If you still feel the criticism was unwarranted, let it go. Agree to disagree or, if negative comments from this person are pretty much the sum total of your relationship with them, bless them and release them from your life.
Don’t let critics destroy you. Be strong enough to understand that you don’t need the approval of others. If you approach the criticism with a cool head, you may learn something that will help you improve. Or it may help you decide who you need to avoid in the future.
What’s your most effective way of how to handle critical people? Please share – I’d love to learn more.