Do you work with someone who is passive-aggressive?
It used to be called being “two-faced” or “back-stabbing” – agreeable to your face and something else entirely when you weren’t around. 
How do you recognize that type of behavior and what can you do about it?
Most of these personality types appear to be charming, rarely demonstrate anger and are almost always agreeable.
Unfortunately, there is a big disconnect between how they appear and how they behave.
An individual with these traits often blames others for their own shortcomings, takes credit for work someone else has performed and argues about seemingly unimportant matters.
They hide their annoyance, impatience or resentment behind a calm and happy façade. They may also be master procrastinators, and pretend to not see, hear, remember or understand requests.
A passive-aggressive person will often give you the silent treatment, becoming sulky and withdrawn. And they love to gossip as a way to express their anger and hostility.
Dealing with passive-aggressive people
Here’s what to do if you have someone like this in your life.
- Learn to recognize the behavior. The description above is fairly comprehensive; if the shoe fits… Knowing what comprises passive-aggressive behavior means you’re well on your way to dealing with it.
- Confront the behavior. These folks avoid directly expressing their feelings or acknowledge their anger. In a non-judgmental way, tell him, “This conversation seems to be making you angry” or “I get the feeling that you’re upset by this request.”
- Expect denial, and accept it. The other person will deny her anger. Say, “All right. I just wanted to let you know how it appears to me.” Don’t argue, because you won’t win.
- Be friendly, but avoid getting too personal. Anything you say can and will be used against you. Count on it and watch your back.
- Take notes. If this is a work situation, write down all important information of the conversation. If anything goes wrong, a co-worker with this personality type will throw you under the bus. Date your notes and stick them in a file.
- Keep calm. This type of colleague can be incredibly frustrating. Getting under your skin gives them a sense of power. Don’t lose your temper or respond to personal attacks – because that’s also a favored behavior. Keep your head in the face of passive-aggressive behavior, and you’ll feel more in control of the situation and yourself.
- Demand honesty. If your co-worker is lying, call him on it in a calm, collected fashion. Don’t get sidetracked into alleys that will turn into a verbal fist-fight of “he said/she said.” This is another time when having notes comes in handy.
- Talk with your supervisor, if you work for someone else. Remember, this personality type loves to pass the buck, and they will try to dump their errors in your lap. Let your supervisor know about your co-worker’s behavior and performance.
But don’t get emotional about it. One of the worst things you can do is tell your boss that your colleague is a lazy, shiftless, SOB…even if he is. Instead, describe the actions and behaviors that led you to that conclusion, and let your boss come to her own conclusions. Say, “She missed five deadlines” or “He has asked me 10 times to explain this task.” Be sure you have all these documented.
- Don’t be afraid to defend others against a gossip or personal attacks. Tell him, “I don’t listen to gossip” and walk away. (For examples on how to deal with gossip, check out this post.)
While this article has focused on workplace issues, many of these techniques can also be used in family or community situations. And when all else fails, limit your exposure to these people. It will be good for your mental and physical health.
Learning how to deal with passive-aggressive people will make your life so much easier. Do you have a special technique that has worked for you? Please share; I love learning new tricks (arf! arf!). 😉