Master manipulators come in all shapes and sizes.
Mom dons the cloak of martyrdom.
“No,” she sighs. “That’s OK. Really. You kids go ahead without me. I’ll just stay here…until whenever you finally get back. You’ll have more fun without me.”
Teenaged daughter angles for the keys to the car.
“You wouldn’t want me to stay some place if I’m not comfortable there, would you?” she cajoles. “I mean, I’d be safer if I could just get up and leave whenever I wanted to, and not have to rely on someone else to bring me home.”
Lazy co-worker wants to avoid a challenging task.
“Wow!” he says. “I don’t have the first idea how to go about dealing with this. This is really your area of expertise. You’re really such a smart guy – you’d do a much better job at this than I would. And just think how happy the boss will be!”
Even your cat, the popcorn freak, who avidly tracks the journey of every kernel from the bowl to the mouth.
What’s a body to do?
How to stop being a doormat
You’ve got two basic options: Give in (and hate yourself).
Or say “no” and feel strong and empowered: Cheerfully tell Mom, “See you later!” Drop off your daughter at her destination. Dump the paperwork back on slacker’s desk. Lock up the cat.
It’s all about setting boundaries, and then sticking to them – without guilt.
Some boundaries are easily set; the cat can’t open the door, after all. (Or most of them can’t!) Other boundaries take more work and determination to create.
Understand that setting boundaries is not about blame. It’s telling the other person honestly how you feel about their behavior – in some instances, they may not even know you’re bothered by it – and letting them know how you want to be treated.
Want to stop being a doormat? Here’s how to go about it.
- Pick a time and place to have the conversation. Be sure to have an example of the behavior you’d like them to stop. If possible, don’t react in the heat of the moment.
- Tell the person you’re setting a boundary by clearly describing the behavior you’d like to change without blaming. Use an “I” statement: “I don’t like it when you try to pass along your work to me and I would you to stop it.”
- Get their agreement. This is a key step. They may dance all around the topic, depending on how manipulative they are, pushing it back on you, telling you you’re too sensitive, you don’t love them anymore or that it’s for your own good, etc.
This is where assertiveness skills come in handy. Try the “broken record” technique: “I know you may think I’m being too sensitive, but it really bothers me when you pass your work on to me to complete, and I’d like you to stop. Will you agree to stop?”
There are some important points to remember here. You are not engaging in what will surely be a fruitless argument by saying no, you’re not too sensitive, he’s the bad guy and so on. Your language is neutral and non-blaming.
Neither are you saying the other person is right. All you’re doing is acknowledging what he said, and still sticking to your main point – that you want the behavior to stop.
You may have to repeat this step many times to get the point across.
When the behavior happens again – and it generally will, even in the most well-intentioned:
- Remind them of their agreement and ask them to stop the behavior immediately.
Sooner or later, you will have reached the outer limits of your own tolerance level. Only you can determine when enough is enough. When you’ve gotten there, say, “You’re trying to dump your work on me again. I’ve asked you not to do this before and you agreed you would stop. If you do it again, I’m going to _____________.”
In this case, it could be talking to the boss or complaining to HR.
- If the behavior happens again, pull the trigger on the consequences.
You have the right to say no. It’s OK to say what you want – and don’t want. Coaching can help you get there.
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For a more in-depth look at developing assertive behavior, check out the classic book, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,” by Dr. Manuel J. Smith.