How well do you listen?

I got a rude wake-up call during my recent visit home in Minnesota.

“I get the feeling that you don’t trust my judgment,” said my sister, Colleen, as we were heading to the pharmacy.

Whaaaaat?

I trust her with my life, and told her so. She handled it beautifully. No harsh words, no extreme emotions as she went on to explain: “You question everything I say. You always have an answer for everything.”

Yoiks. While it was true that the entire family was under a heavy emotional strain, with Mom in end-stage cancer, Colleen’s remarks could not be entirely chalked up to stress.

So I listened. Listening is stock in trade for a coach and apparently I was better at the coaching-listening than to sister-listening.

Or maybe not. Since that visit several weeks ago, I’ve been rethinking how well I do listen to people in general.

She’s right. I do question everything. Part of that is my curious nature and part of it is my 30-year career in the journalism trenches. That’s what I did: Ask questions.

Having an answer for everything? She’s right about that, too. I’m not always correct but I’ve almost always got an answer. I’ve been stumped once or twice. 🙂

As a former corporate executive and a self-reliant woman, I’ve been making decisions for many decades; I have to have the answers, or know where to find them. And then I make a decision, for good or for ill.

These justifications aside, her comments made me much more aware of how I interact with others and how well I listen to them.

I’ve sworn to be better, and have become better, as a result of that eye-opening conversation. But it takes work and awareness.

Active-listening skills

Here are some active-listening skills that may come in handy for you, too.

Starting with my own two biggest issues:

• Don’t interrupt. I’m embarrassed to say I do this way too often, usually asking questions to get more information. That is not an excuse and it doesn’t show enthusiasm, as many interruptors will say. It’s just plain rude. It tells the other person that what you have to say is more important than what he’s saying. Take notes and come back to it, if it’s that important. In most cases, if you’re really listening, you’ll get the answer to your questions.
• Keep your opinions – and your recommended solutions – to yourself. Unless you are asked, of course. Guys have long been beaten up for jumping directly to the solution when all their women want is to be heard, but this is not solely the province of men. I’m proof of that.

Other pointers that may come in handy:

• Remove distractions. No phones, no computers, no anything else but the other person, whether they are in front of you or on the phone.
• Show you’re listening. If this is an in-person conversation, make eye contact. Nod, smile or use other appropriate facial expressions. Keep your posture open and inviting. If this is a remote conversation (although this is good advice for in-person convos, too), give verbal clues like “Uh-huh” or appropriate comments like “That must have been awful for you” so the other person know you haven’t fallen asleep with your eyes open.
• Check for understanding. Perhaps the classic case of “huh?” is one of my favorite quotes. To say Alan Greenspan, former Federal Reserve chairman, needed intense interpretation is an understatement. Don’t parrot the other person’s words; that’s not understanding – that’s a recorded message. Say something like “What I’m hearing you say is…” or “Did I get that right?”
• Focus on the conversation. By that I mean, it’s his story – let him tell it. This isn’t about what happened to you in a similar situation and how you dealt with it. Let him tell it in his own way, in his own words and at his own pace. This is not a contest that you are determined to win.
• Don’t engage in “combative listening.” This is when you pay more attention to what you’re going to say (if the other person would only shut up!) than to what he’s saying. This is counterproductive, exceptionally unattractive and completely aggravating.
• Listen to what’s not being said. Does the tone of voice say something different from the words? Is he fidgety or nervous? If he’s having problems expressing himself, this is not your cue to jump in and fill in the blanks for him or finish his sentences. Keep your lip zipped unless and until you’re asked to help.

Why should you care about becoming a better listener? For one thing, you learn new stuff – maybe even things you didn’t want to but still need to know (like me). For another, people won’t flee when they see you coming.

Finally, and maybe most important, the value of listening is that it makes you a better human being, more thoughtful and less judgmental. What’s not to like about that?

Do you have your own listening challenges? Let it all hang out here!