When do you say “yes” – and when do you say “no”? There is a time and place for each.
Here are some times to say “yes:”
- When you get scared (insert a “what the hell – why not?” attitude here)
- When it’s an investment in your business or career
- When it helps you get to where you want to be
Saying “no” is just as simple but – of course – easy only after planning and practice (a coach can help). It starts with setting boundaries, something women have a hard time doing because they’ve been told they need to be “nice,” “good,” accommodating and put everyone else’s needs before their own.
Career, business and self-esteem take a beating
How do you know when it’s time to say “no”?
- You feel resentful.
- You hate yourself for giving in.
- You’re impatient.
- “Stress” is your middle name.
- Your work and career suffers because you’re doing other people’s work for them, and your own tasks and goals go to the back of the line.
- Your business is bogged down because you take clients who are not a good match for you, financially or temperamentally.
If you tend to give in when you’d rather say “no,” consider these points:
- You are not responsible for how others feel about you. Just because someone calls you selfish or a bitch doesn’t mean you are. It’s not what someone calls you — it’s what you answer to. People who call you names for saying “no” are the same ones who will say you are easy, wishy-washy and a doormat if you give in all the time. And they will continue to prey on you because you’re an easy mark.
- You cannot win people’s love or affection by what you do for them. If you can, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Love is unconditional. You are not lovable because of what you do, but because of who you are. If someone tells you that you must earn their love by doing what they want, run away. Fast.
- You have the right to do what’s best for you, your career or business and not feel guilty about it. Doing what’s right for you makes you strong and healthy, and it moves you toward what you want. Doing what’s right for others, at your expense, makes you weak and sickly. The good news: When you are strong and healthy, you are in a better position to show up for others, too.
When someone tries to guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do, remember, “No” is a complete sentence. Don’t offer reasons or excuses or otherwise justify your behavior. This is vital to remember, especially if you are prone to feeling guilty — because manipulators are extremely good at using your weasel words to get you to do their bidding.
Here are some examples:
- You: “Gee, I would love to help you out, but I just don’t have the time.”
- Him: “Hey, no problem! There’s no rush. When do you think you could get to it?”
- You: “That’s really beyond my area of expertise.”
- Him: “Not at all! You are such a bright person, you’ll be able to figure it out in no time.”
- You: “I’ve already got too much to do.”
- Him: “But you’re so efficient; I’m sure you can squeeze it in. Plus, you’re so much better at this stuff than I am!”
- You (grinding your teeth): “Yeah, OK. I’ll do it.”
He trots off happily into the sunset. You do a slow burn that can create all kinds of issues for you.
If someone is trying to get you to do something you don’t want to do, just say “no,” all by itself or in one of these variations. And please note – none of these are bitchy; just clear, firm and unmistakably “no.”
- “Thank you, but no.”
- “No, but I appreciate you thinking about me.”
- “No thank you.”
- “That’s very nice of you to say, but no. I’m not interested.”
- “I can’t do that for you.”
- “Have you talked to Bill? This sounds like something he’d enjoy.”
- “No.”
Don’t apologize. Don’t explain. All that does is leave a crack for manipulators to wiggle through (and they will). Just say “no.” Keep repeating it until they either stop asking or you walk away.
What are you saying “yes” to that you would like to change? Please share in the comments.