Q: There’s a lot of information out there about how to be a cheerleader for your team members. But what about those of us in management or leadership positions? How can we be our own cheerleader?
A: What great questions! And they bring to mind some of the big challenges for women who quite often feel like they’re faking it and worry that, at any moment, they will be unmasked as an imposter. Here are some tips.
How to be your own cheerleader
- Recognize your own value. If you are in a leadership position, clearly someone has determined that you’re worth being in charge of a project, department or team. While I don’t recommend basing your own feeling of self-worth on other people’s opinions, this is something to keep in mind.
- Make the effort to connect with others in your industry or those who have similar responsibilities. This is important because it’s easy to get isolated, feeling like you’re the only one in the entire galaxy who is facing specific issues or challenges. You’re not. Having these connections will reassure you that you’re not alone and you can also get support from others who may very well have faced — and resolved — the same problems.
- Take credit. Women have a horrible problem with this. They have been brought up to believe that “nice girls” don’t pat themselves on the back. Realize there is a huge difference between honestly acknowledging your role in a particular success and dashing into a room and shouting at the top of your lungs, “Look what I did! Aren’t I fabulous! Yay, me!”
- Understand the difference between internal and external factors to success. Research on “imposter syndrome,” dating back to the late 1970s, shows that women disproportionately believe that their success is based on things outside of themselves, and therefore liable to disappear like fog under a hot sun. These external factors include luck, timing and even deceiving others into believing they are competent.
- Create a success file. One way to combat imposter syndrome is to create a list of everything you’ve accomplished. These should be not only objective, concrete achievements, such as increasing sales or building websites, but the underlying, internal factors that led to those achievements.
What internal qualities did you bring to those successes? They could be determination, strong work ethic, resilience, exceptional focus, crackerjack research skills and so on. You own these qualities; they have not been bestowed on you by others. Refer to your success file as often as needed, but particularly when you’re feeling down in the dumps, doubting your own abilities or get stuck.
- Keep a feedback file. This is related to the success file, but with a twist. Make a note of every time you’ve been complimented – and how you reacted to that compliment. If you reacted with a “Thank you, but…,” it’s time to learn how to bite your tongue. Instead of saying, “I was lucky” or “I had just a small role” or “I’m not sure why I got the job/assignment/promotion/client,” simply say, “Thank you.” And shut up.
Once you get comfortable with compliments, you can add on, “Thank you for noticing. I worked hard on that project” or “I’m proud of the results we achieved.”
This is hard for women to do, but like any other skill, with practice it becomes easier. And if you need to be reminded, accepting a compliment is not the same as boasting.
- Stop being a phony. This is a bizarre spiral that is especially problematic for women. They have been brought up in a society that does not value competence in women, so they tend to hide those qualities to avoid rejection. They will not offer differing viewpoints, and instead may tell people what they want to hear. Because they have kept their true selves under wraps, any kind of honor or accolade will be seen as obtained under false pretenses, further eroding their belief in their own value. Just be you. The world will not come to an end if you speak up.
- Focus on being your best, not the best. You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. Get over it.
The good news: No one else is perfect, either. Do the best you can, learn and grow, but stop comparing yourself to others. Comparison is the death of joy.
The good news: No one else is perfect, either. Do the best you can, learn and grow, but stop comparing yourself to others. Comparison is the death of joy.- What would your coach say? It’s always a good idea to step back and look at your situation from a more objective but still supportive point of view. When you feel downtrodden, imagine what your coach would say. I know what I would say: “Is this really true or a story you’re telling yourself?”
Have you ever suffered from imposter syndrome? What’s your best tip for overcoming it?