We all have toxic people in our lives. We work with or for them – either as employees or contractors. They are friends. They are family members. They are people you meet at networking events.
Recognizing toxic people is as much about how they make you feel as the way they act.
- You absolutely dread being around them and would just rather run away.
- Your belly hurts, gets tied up in knots.
- You feel anxious. Your palms sweat. Your heart rate jacks up. Your mouth gets dry.
- You’re exhausted after dealing with them. All you want to do is find a nice quiet corner and curl up into a ball.
- You’re ticked off.
- You want to take a hot shower. For about two hours.
- You feel bad about yourself – because you put up with their abuse or something they said or did made you feel small.
Time for a gut check
Listen to your body. It won’t lie to you. If you can step away from your own visceral, physical reaction, you can recognize them from their behavior, too. Here is how to recognize toxic people:
- They are jealous. Anything will set them off.
- They are controlling. They want to know what you’re doing, and with whom, at all times. They cut you off from friends and loved ones. They tell you what to wear, what to eat and where to work.
- They make fun of you. It’s one thing to occasionally tease someone good-naturedly, but it’s another thing entire to rag on people relentlessly. You’ll know this “teasing” is from a toxic (and emotionally abusive) person when you object and they respond by saying you’re too sensitive or have no sense of humor.
- They play the victim card. “I’m so poor, I’m so dumb, I can’t get a job, no one loves me, I’m fat and ugly, everyone’s out to get me, I’m tired all the time, my boss is a slave driver…” And on and on and on.
- They talk about other people. They love to gossip and as soon as you turn your back, you’re fair game, too.
- They are greedy. They want it all. More importantly, they think they are entitled to it.
- Everything is about them. From the weather to TV programs to vacation plans. You name it, they can turn any topic around to be about them.
- They are negative and critical. Absolutely nothing makes them happy.
- They are smarter than everyone else. Which, of course, means they are always right.
Wow. I’m exhausted just writing this. So how do you deal with people like this? Here are some tips.
How to deal with toxic people
- Limit your exposure to them: If they are a chronic complainer, ask them how they would solve the problem. If you’re lucky, they’ll sidestep the topic and move on. If not, then that’s your option. You can say: “Well, if you don’t have any idea how to fix it, let’s shelve the discussion.”
- Hold onto your emotional equilibrium: Toxic people are generally looking for an emotional reaction. If you give it to them, you feed the beast. Keep your emotions at arm’s length. Pretend you’re involved in a sociological study and you’re observing aberrant behavior in a social setting.
- Choose your battles wisely: Not everything has to be a knock-down, drag-out fight. Don’t try to reason with the unreasonable. Or the unstable.
- Establish boundaries: Draw the line in the sand. Tell him, “Please don’t use that kind of language when you’re speaking to me. I am offended by it. If you continue, our conversation will be over.” Then stick to it.
- Be the master of your own joy: When your sense of self is strong, you don’t need the approval of others. This provides extra armor against the toxic people who get their jollies by belittling others.
- Stop trying to change the other person: Can’t be done. Heck, it’s hard enough to change ourselves, even when we want to. Instead, think about how you will handle them…from an emotional distance.
- Take care of yourself: Limit your caffeine. That triggers an adrenaline rush, which is the basis of the “flight or fight” syndrome, and primes you for an emotional reaction you might later regret. And get plenty of sleep, too. Lack of rest raises your stress hormone levels, making it more likely that you will react inappropriately. Rested people are better able to handle any challenging situation.
- Have a support system in place: Sometimes just talking about a toxic person in your life can help you deal with it better.
- Learn and grow: Go ahead, practice your assertiveness techniques on them. Seeing these people as life lessons also helps you maintain that emotional distance.
- Don’t play the game: Reaction is exactly what they’re hoping to get. Walk away.
- It’s not you, it’s them: Don’t get sucked into being the one at fault.
- Call them on it: If it’s a situational issue – normally they’re fine, but they’re getting a divorce, someone close to them has died or is very ill, etc. – point out the behaviour and ask them to stop. Everyone knows that situations like these can be difficult for anyone, but it is not an excuse for relationships to become toxic. Say: “I understand you’re under a lot of stress, and that you want to lash out. Please don’t use me as a target.”
And if you are in a long-term relationship with an emotionally abusive person, please get professional help. Emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse, but even if it doesn’t, it still leaves a mark on your soul. No one deserves to be treated like this. Whether this means speaking to a professional, letting family/friends know what is going on, or even coming to the point of deciding that a divorce may be for the best, it is important to do what is right for yourself and to get rid of this toxic person in your life.
How do you handle toxic people in your life? I’m always game to learn new techniques. Please add in the comments section below.