What percentage of your life are you living for yourself?
It’s one of the questions I ask people as we embark on our coaching journey together, and the answer often comes as a surprise – or even an unpleasant shock – to the client.
What isn’t a surprise is that, of all the clients I’ve worked with over the years, women far and away live most of their lives for others, not themselves. The typical answer I get from women on this question is 20%. Even those who start out at a higher percentage often will come back later and revise that figure downward — to their shock and dismay.
Women as caretakers
As enlightened, progressive and modern as our society has become, many women are still the primary caretakers of loved ones in their lives. These loved ones can be spouses or children or, increasingly, aged parents – as well as friends.
And women are often caretakers in their work lives as well…the troubled colleague, the super busy co-worker who needs a hand, the newbie who’s learning the ropes.
Sometimes they fill all these needs at once.
Moms fall into that a lot. They will do without, often for years, to make sure their kids are housed, fed, shod and clothed – even if it means wearing rags themselves. That’s their job, raising their children, and nothing is more important than that.
Of course, you don’t have to be a parent to fall into the habit of putting other people first. Plenty of childless people, men and women, find themselves in that role.
In some cases, self-sacrifice is a choice that comes from deeply held religious convictions. Many times, however, taking care of others is something people do without thought, and in some situations, it comes at the expense of taking care of self.
Caretakers who decide to splurge on self-care – even with simple things like a hot bath, a solitary walk, a good book or TV show – often end up feeling guilty and selfish. From there, it’s a short journey to feeling dissatisfied, restless, tired, depressed, sick, uneasy, resentful, angry or any of an entire host of emotions.
Does this sound familiar? If so, maybe it’s time to rethink taking care of you. And maybe even putting yourself first.
Consider:
- Why is everyone else more important than you?
- Why are their needs more important than yours?
- How does being good to yourself mean being bad to others?
- If you are doing the things that are right for you, how is that selfish?
- When you do what’s right for you, are you doing it to hurt others?
- If other people feel hurt or inconvenienced when you do what’s right for yourself, how is that your “fault”?
- Are you responsible for how other people feel?
- When did you give others the power to judge you, as selfish or as anything else?
- Do you want to spend the rest of your life doing what other people want you to do?
- If you are always putting others first — at the risk of neglecting yourself — what message does that send to your children and others coming up behind you? What example are you setting?
- At what point do you say, “Enough!”?
Do these questions make you uncomfortable? Are you really ticked off, in denial or outraged? If so, ask yourself why. What you learn may be the start of a whole new appreciation of who you are, and what value you assign to yourself. How much you’re worth – to yourself.
If nothing else here persuades you, think about this. There is a reason why flight attendants tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first in case of emergency, even before your loved ones: You are of no use to others if you are incapacitated.
What percentage of your life are you living for you? If you’d like to change that answer, consult a coach.