“You just gave the enemy your playbook.”
Umm. What?
That feedback from my recent “Negotiations Do’s and Don’ts” presentation threw me for a loop.
“Enemy”? Who is this “enemy,” I wondered. And unfortunately, there was no name or contact information on the feedback form for me to follow up, so I’m flying blind here.
But not mute. 🙂
I think she means “men,” especially given the fact that someone (else?) said, “You talked about how to negotiate with men. How about women?”
Yes, I used the male pronoun almost exclusively when I gave negotiation tips to the Upper Keys Business and Professional Women’s crowd Oct. 21. Fact of the matter is most managers, CEOs and other executive officers are men. Only a little more than 9% of those roles are filled by women.
So yeah. If a woman is going to negotiate a raise, a promotion or a better contract, chances are excellent that she’ll be dealing with a man.
Even so, it doesn’t matter. The negotiations do’s and don’ts I provided hold true regardless of the other person’s gender.
But back to the playbook thing.
Negotiation tips are not secret
First, I’m not giving away any secrets. They are out there for the taking. Anyone – regardless of their sex – can do as I did and start Googling. Read the books. Talk to people who are successful negotiators, and see what worked for them and what didn’t. Figure out where you need to bolster your own negotiation skills and get busy.
I don’t see men – or whoever is on the other side of the desk – as the “enemy.” If there is any “enemy” here, it’s women’s inability to see themselves as worthy of asking for what they want. It’s their fear of being told “no.” It’s their need to be perfect before they will ask for more.
Hearing “no” isn’t fatal. Ask any sales person. Perfection doesn’t exist and yes, you are worthy and you are allowed to want what you want. It’s not selfish; it’s mandatory for your financial and mental health.
After the presentation, one woman told me privately that she regrets not negotiating her salary earlier in her career.
“It set me back 15 years,” she confided.
That’s a lot of years – years you feel as you reach retirement age.
By not negotiating, women are leaving up to $1 million in lifetime earnings on the table. They already work, on average, 16 fewer years than men because they take off time to have kids and raise a family. By not asking for what they want, they are reducing their eventual Social Security benefits, 401k contributions and (if they’re lucky enough to have one), their pensions as well.
Negotiations tips
To help women improve that picture, here are a few non-secrets from my playbook that I shared at the meeting:
- Prepare 4 options. The last one should be “walk away.”
- Wear a power outfit. If you don’t own one, go shopping and charge it off as a business expense. It should be well-make and fit perfectly (get it tailored, if necessary). But most importantly, it should make you feel fabulous when you put it on.
- Aim high. Whatever you want, if you’re a woman, add another 30% — just to make up the average difference between what men and women earn. Just make sure your facts support the amount.
- Speak first. By making your numbers-based ask first, you are establishing the amount around which the negotiations will center. It’s easier to negotiate down from, let’s say, $100,000 than up from $50,000.
- Sit side by side. If your counterpart is behind a desk (a power position) and you’re invited to sit in a chair on the other side, move your chair to help establish a level playing field.
- Don’t nod. Women nod to show they’ve heard; men nod to show agreement. Don’t send the wrong non-verbal message.
- Don’t accept the first offer. That’s why they call it “negotiations.”
- Leave out weasel words and phrases. “Feel, think and believe” are the worst. “I think I deserve a raise”? I don’t think so. You KNOW you deserve a raise and if you don’t know that – and can’t support it with facts – then why are you having this discussion in the first place? Just showing up every day is no reason to expect a fat increase.
- Don’t say this either. Some other phrases you never want to hear coming out of your mouth:
- “I’m not an expert but…”
- “I could be wrong…”
- “This is probably silly, but…”
- “If you can afford it.”
- “I know times are tough.”
- Speak in declarative sentences. Don’t allow you voice to go up at the end of each sentence. It makes you sound weak and wishy-washy and women do this way too much.
- Zip your lip. After you make your ask, keep quiet for 7 seconds. It will show you mean what you say.
- Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you. Having all your numbers in hand (yes, write down your key points) will keep you on an even keel during the discussion. Your counterpart may try to bully you, pull you off track or make you mad. Stick to the facts. If someone is deliberately trying to rile you, don’t give him/her the satisfaction. You are in charge of you.
Bonus tip
- Sit in an uncomfortable chair. It will help you stay alert. Just don’t fidget!
If you’re still reluctant to speak up for yourself, do it for your daughters and granddaughters and nieces and grandnieces. A rising tide float all boats.
Which of these tips will help you in future negotiations? Please add your comments below.