Do you recognize any of these people?
- The Belittler: Puts you down, and calls it “humor.” Follows up with, “Aw, come on, can’t you take a joke?”
- The Controller: “It’s because I love you” is the excuse he uses for everything from calling or texting 20 times a day to isolating you from your friends to being at your side every free minute of the day.
- The Manipulator: Guilt is her most versatile weapon to get you to do what she wants.
- The Depressed: The glass is not just half empty, but bone dry and shattered into a gazillion tiny pieces.
- The Victim: From missed planes to missed promotions, it’s always someone else’s fault.
- The Conspiracy Theorist: Everyone’s out to get him, except for you. And he’s not too sure about you.
- The Megalomaniac: No matter what you’ve suffered, he’ll go you one (or two) better. Takes credit for all good things, avoids blame for the rest.
- The Center of the Universe: Everything is about her. Apologizes for everything, including bad weather, the economy and the bugs in your lawn.
- The Needy: Always puts himself down to get other people to build him up — at least in his own eyes.
And don’t forget the Maudlin/Mean/Sloppy Drunk, the Man Who Knows Everything, the Unabashed Liar, the Congenitally Rude and the Parasite, among others.
Run from toxic people
If you have people like this in your life – run, don’t walk! They are toxic.
They will drain your energy, mess with your head, play with your feelings and make you physically sick. They can pummel your self-esteem, make you question yourself and make you feel unworthy or “less than.”
Whether they do it on purpose or subconsciously, the effect is the same – they drag you down. Who needs it?
No one can make you feel bad without your permission, so take control! You do have a choice, especially in your personal relationships, such as friends, lovers, spouses and, yes, even family members.
Ask for changes
Speak up! Say, “John, every time I see you, you’re complaining. After spending time with you, I feel really down in the dumps and I don’t want to put myself through that anymore.”
Ask him to change his behavior, at least around you. If he agrees, and follows through, congratulations! May you live happily ever after! If, however, he backslides, remind him of your agreement. Eventually, when you reach the point where you cannot put up with it any more, then it’s time for more drastic measures.
Be aware that often this kind of person will rarely recognize or acknowledge his own toxicity. When you call him out, be prepared to be ridiculed, cried upon, yelled at, viewed with wounded puppy eyes, threatened or any of an entire host of emotional reactions. Hang in there — don’t let him bully you into backing down.
When all else fails, drop these people from your life. Tell them why, and then stay away from them. Don’t call, write, visit or talk. And whatever you do, don’t make excuses! Manipulators, especially, will always find a way around excuses.
If they want to know why you’ve disappeared from their lives, tell them the truth. It will be easier if you’ve already had the conversation about their behavior. It’s a little trickier to handle if the toxic people in your life are on the job.
In most cases of workplace issues, I would recommend you talk to the HR director or the boss, and if the aggravation these people cause rises to the level of “hostile work environment,” then I strongly suggest you take the official route.
Or you can look for another job — but do you really want to be chased away by one person? If these people are merely annoying and you love what you’re doing, then take steps to limit your interactions with them. Be polite and professional, but don’t accept lunch invitations, make it clear you’re too busy to chat and find other places to be when they drop in on you.
Are you horrified by these suggestions? Does it give you a sinking feeling in your gut? It can be scary to stand up for what you want in your life, but the payoff will be worth it. Ask yourself what’s the worst that can happen, and then balance that against what you will gain.
And don’t ever forget: It’s about them, not about you. You are not to blame for the behavior of toxic people who depress you, deplete your good humor and drain your energy. Nor do you have to put up with it.
Have you ever had to deal with toxic people in your life? What worked for you?
Back when I owned my studios there were a few other owners near by that would call or want to get together. They were both so negative that I had to stop meeting with them. I never did tell them why, I just came up with excuses really. I found it difficult to have that conversation especially being a part of franchise which meant seeing them at meetings on a regular basis.
Avoiding is not a bad solution, Lisa. The trouble comes in when they ask you why you’re avoiding them. But I’m thinking that these kind of people were not the kind to confront you on your disappearance.
Boy, don’t we know these folks, Jackie! I’ve seen so many young women struggling in relationships with the Belittler. Subtle put downs, then laughing how it was only a joke. And how much damage that does to them. It’s a long process for them to see it truly isn’t about them, but about the belittler.
Thanks for this!
Jackie this is so apt in my life right now. I am leaving many people behind and starting a fresh 2017. New friends, more family time, leaving horrid opinionated people behind!
oh and i have no idea why this has typed all in capitals, my cap locks is DEFINITELY off.
Sonya, the good news: It came in regular upper and lower case. The bad news: What a pain in the butt for you! Thanks for your patience; I’ve got my geek looking into it. Great news on shedding toxic people from your life. Who needs them, right? We’ve got enough to cope with without deliberately hanging on to people (and situations) that bring us down. Thanks for your comment.
Great article Jackie. So often people want to figure out why they feel a certain way or how to change so they are not treated that way by Toxic People. Often the answer is to just leave or set a clear boundary. Life is Short and only you have control over creating your life!
Absolutely, Candess. We are in charge of ourselves…and that’s hard enough the way it is without worrying about changing other people. Thanks for your comments.
Jackie,
Great article and love the separate ways you have the different types of people that can take away your positivity, It’s a good thing to learn how to not let other’s take away our happiness. Great Post!
Lori English
We are definitely in charge of our own happiness, Lori. One of my favorite sayings: “If someone is driving you crazy, stop giving him the keys!”
I think it’s easier to get rid of toxic people as we get older as we tend to have less patience for all their games. We also become better at recognising them before they can do too much damage. These people drain our energy and our confidence. I’ve known just about all the ones you mentioned at one stage or another and found the manipulator to be the most dangerous in my life.
I would agree, Tami, with all your points — re being able to recognize them and have less tolerance for their nonsense. But particularly the manipulators. They are SO good (or bad, depending on your point of view) for turning around almost any situation to make it your fault.
We all definitely know these people… and while I pick at people, I really try to get to know them FIRST to be sure I don’t fall in that belittle category because I never want to hurt someone’s feelings, humor or not.
I have gotten better with stripping my life with these toxic folks… thanks to folks like you in my life.
Aww…you’re so sweet, Kristen. Thanks. And I think your approach — getting to know them first — is a good one. We never know what’s going on in people’s lives. Appreciate your comments and your support, as always.
as i read the list above, i actually could think of at least one persons in each category! Scary, right? The good news is i do know enough to avoid these types of people. It helps if i am confronted with someone that i cannot avoid for some reason.. i close my eyes and put a white light around me. It helps me to deflect the corrosive energy
Alene, what would be scarier if you didn’t recognize any of them! That’s the key to dealing with them — knowing them for what they are when you see them. Good job! Love the white light tip. I’ll keep that in mind. What I will do (particularly at night when I can’t sleep because I’m beset with negative thoughts) is to imagine myself in the center of a pure white cocoon of spun light off of which all negative thoughts bounce…or leak through from the inside!
Great post, Jackie! This took me a long time to realize, but once I started doing this my life became so much more peaceful! Of course some toxic people I cannot stay away from completely, but I can limit my time with them – and my reactions to their actions!
Definitely limit your interactions with them, if you can, and certainly don’t play their games! Thanks for your comments, Mindy.
As I was reading this I couldn’t help but envision certain of these ‘types’ with astrological signs, Jackie. Of course it is never that cut and dried. Agree that the sooner we can acknowledge these people are draining our energy, hopefully the sooner we can step back and away. I do think as we get older it is easier to separate ourselves from ‘toxic’ people in our lives. If it is in the workplace, it might be harder, however, you offered some great tips to manage the situation to your advantage.
I agree about the age thing, Bev. The older I get, the more balanced I become and the longer the view I take.
Good article, there are always people trying to drain you and take up all your time with their problems…however, there are a lot of nice people out there too. 🙂
That’s for sure, Katarina. And when we care about people — our friends and family — then we want to help them with their problems. To a certain degree. I’m willing to help anyone…until I learn that they’re doing nothing to help themselves. Then I’m gone.
Yes, I have dealt with my share of these toxic people, Jackie 🙂 The best thing that I have done throughout my life is to steer clear of them…especially the ones that are manipulative. As I get older, I just do not have the patience to deal with those kinds. I have come to realize that it is about THEM and not you. Thanks for sharing!!
So true, Joan — it’s always about them, even when something you have done or said provokes an outburst. Thanks for your comments.
Great article! One of the best parts of getting older is we do learn more about toxic folks, and leave them behind. Love how you synthesized the types.
Glad you liked it, Robin. And I agree about the age thing. There are advantages!
It’s becoming easier to recognize them lately. I fall in with Robin’s point about age giving us wisdom. Or rather, experience. I’ve encountered all of these. I’m learning to recognize it earlier now so that I don’t have to give up too much of my energy to them.
Excellent, Jennifer. Thanks for your comments.
We are all responsible for the energy we bring into the world and in every situation. We CHOOSE how we are going to act and react. I love your blog and specific ideas for turning negative situations around.
I have worked hard to eliminate toxic people from my life!
Thanks for your comments, Tandy. It’s interesting how, once you establish boundaries, the toxic people self-select themselves out of your life. All that you have to do is let them go.
Toxic people aren’t worth my time. The only time I find it difficult to deal with it when they are family.
I hear you, Karen. You’ve got a couple of options when it comes to family: Use “I” statements to tell them how you feel when they exhibit specific behaviors and ask them to modify those behaviors around you. The second option — avoid them as best you can.
Great article, Jackie! It’s tough to know just what to do, though, when the most toxic people in your life are members of your own family – with the worst offender being your own mother. Every contact with my mother leaves me feeling more negative and diminished as a human being than I felt before, and ignoring her is not without its consequences. I’d love to see an article that specifically addresses difficult family situations. Thanks, Jackie!
Thanks for your comments, Debbie, and for the suggestion about an article on how to deal with toxic family members. I’ll put that on my list. Re you mom: I don’t know what consequences you’re talking about for ignoring her, but could they possibly be worse than feeling “more negative and diminished as a human being”? My recommendations are: (1) Tell her how you feel when she exhibits X behavior. (2) Ask her to stop, telling her the consequences if she doesn’t. (3) Get her agreement (this is key). (4) Remind her she is violating her agreement when she reverts to old behaviors. (5) When you’ve had enough, pull the trigger on the consequences and walk away. You’ll be glad you did.
This is such a list of toxic people categories. For me, I would just inch my way out unnoticed. As my husband says “do as the French do.” Do not say goodbye . He also said, out of sight out of mind. There are too much people in the world to enjoy with rather than spend some energy on those who can cause unhappiness and stress.
That’s a great solution when you are in a social setting, Lorii, but what if you’re in a work meeting or with loved ones at a family gathering? Sometimes a conversation about behavior is the only thing that will help. Either it will relieve the toxicity or encourage you to cut these people out of your life altogether.