As much as we like to think we’re all honest people, we are well-versed in the art of self-deception. Here are a few examples of how we are lying to ourselves and what do to about them.
Lies we tell ourselves
- I have to be perfect / need to do this perfectly. Women fall into this trap quite frequently. They won’t apply for jobs unless they’re perfectly qualified. They won’t ask for raises if they don’t have a perfect employment record. They hesitate to try anything new because…well…what if they can’t do it perfectly? Take a chill pill, peeps. No one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes – and that’s the way most of us learn.
- My life is harder than anyone else’s. We all know intellectually this isn’t true. Don’t have shoes? What about the guy who has no feet? The fact is, someone – somewhere – is worse off than you are. We cling to this lie because it makes us feel special. We get to play the victim… “oh, poor me!” And if we admitted that we were no worse off than many others, then we’d be just like everyone else. Who wants that?
- I’m too young/too old. Mozart started composing at age 3. Peter Roget – my hero! – was 75 when he invented the thesaurus. The age excuse is nothing but that…an excuse.
- I don’t have a choice. Horse pucky. We always have a choice, including not making one. It’s about accepting responsibility for yourself and your actions. That’s one of the things that makes us human.
- If only I had X, then my life would be complete. An amazing number of people believe that there is that one, single thing out there that will solve all their problems forever. The truth is, once you get X, then it becomes, “If I only had Y.” It just never goes away. Plus, that “always striving, never arriving” approach takes away our present joy.
- If I had more time, I’d do X. I read a celebrity interview recently where the guy said if he could buy extra time, he’d use it to read. He went on to say that he spent so much with his electronic devices that he just had no time left in the day! (Where’s my barf bag?) You either want to do something or you don’t, and time doesn’t have anything to do with your final choice (see No. 4 above). Because you make time for what’s important to you.
- People will think I’m stupid if I do or say X. Frankly, you’d be surprised at how little people do think about you. And if you do ping their radar, it’s because they’re more concerned about what you think of them than the other way around. It’s way more likely that you won’t do things because YOU will think you’re stupid – which is a self-worth issue on your part.
- If I do or say X, I can get the other person to change. Hahaha! I love this one. We have a hard enough time changing ourselves when we really, really want to. Trying to change other people is like trying to empty the ocean with an eyedropper. Not. Going. To. Happen. Take a good look at yourself to find out why you’re having a hard time accepting others as they are. And speaking of change…
- I would change, but X is preventing me. Sounds like an excuse to me, because if you really wanted to change, you would. It might not be easy and it might take a lot of trial and error, but you’d get there eventually. Otherwise, you are just rolling in your own misery, like a dog on fish heads, because it benefits you in some way. What are you getting out it? Why would you rather be miserable than risk failure?
- I can’t live without X. We are members of the Incredibly Adaptable Human Race. There is much we can do without – including that muscle car we’ve been lusting after or the oceanfront estate that is the stuff of dreams. What really matters is not what we own, but how meaningful our lives are. To ourselves and to others.
There are a gazillion other lies we tell ourselves – we’re not good enough, strong enough, pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, bold enough…blah blah blah. These lies are most insidious, as they continually erode at the foundation of our self-worth and self-esteem.
How to stop lying to yourself
Catching yourself in a lie is the most important, then it’s time to figure out where they’re coming from. That means digging deep.
- Focus on your emotions. In almost every instance when we have a strong emotional reaction to something or someone, it’s because of our own stuff. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Where does it come from? Is it really related to what’s going on right now or something that’s happened in the past?
- Pay attention to your thoughts. One of my favorite sayings is “Don’t believe everything you think.” When you notice that your thinking is taking you to illogical conclusions, ask yourself: Is this really true, or just a story I’m telling myself? Many times, you’ll discover that your thoughts are simply a result of previous programming, generally done by the Big People in your life when you were a kid and didn’t know any better.
- Consider your behavior. We would love to believe that our behavior is not connected to who we are, that we can’t control how we act. Yep…good old No. 4 above, yet again. We always have a choice. If what you’re doing doesn’t jive with who you want (or claim) to be, ask yourself: Why am I behaving this way? What’s the real reason why I’m doing this?
What’s one thing you’ve always told yourself that turned out to be a lie? Please share and let me know how you figured out it was false. I’d love to hear your story!
Jackie, this is such valuable information. Most people don’t have a clue how they distort the truth by their thoughts and behavioral patterns. We all have a natural tendency toward denial and so we have to work at becoming honest. What I see as the biggest resistance is that people tend to beat themselves up rather than nurture and structure themselves with love. You can be honest and love yourself! This is a great beginning to stop telling ourselves lies!
So true, Candess. Whenever I hear in my coaching a client come up with an absolute — “never,” “always” and so on — I will stop them and ask…”Is this really true or a story you’re telling yourself?” We get indoctrinated so young about what we are and aren’t that it becomes part of our internal fabric. Thanks for stopping by.
I like this reality check and even wrote a similar article myself. You pointed out some extras that help me with my awareness too.
Thanks, Teresa. I remember reading one of your articles that had this same focus. The more the merrier, I always say. You never know what’s going to resonate. Appreciate your comments.
I’ve told myself all of these lies at some stage or another, Jackie. I’m much better at catching myself these days but still find myself believing #7 at times. One that I used to tell myself a lot was that I could do more with more time. I’ve come to understand that I choose what to do with my time. I make my priorities and therefore, the issue isn’t time, but how I choose to spend it. As to your third point, I just read the most delightful story about a woman who is having her first art exhibition. She started painting when she was 85.
Terrific realization, Tami. We make time for what’s important to us, and that should include us…but rarely does. Love the story about the artist. There are many out there, I’m sure. Thanks for stopping by.
I love the way you express yourself, Jackie. Especially the horse pucky comment!
My biggest lie is that I don’t have enough time. And you are right that intellectually I know this is not true. I do let it stop be often though. I really have to keep reminding myself that time is NOT the stumbling block to my success.
Ha! Better than saying “bullshit,” right, Alene? In deference to my more delicate readers… 😉 It’s funny that you say you know something intellectually. I have learned that my brain is often my biggest stumbling block. Not every decision can be made strictly on logic — no matter what you brain says! Consult your heart and spirit and brain to come up with the best decision. Thanks for stopping by.
Lots of points that really resonate, Jackie. I grew up believing that I had to be ‘the best’ at something, otherwise, why do it. I remember stopping myself from pursuing singing, because I thought “I’ll never to as good as Barbra Streisand”, so why bother. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older that there is no point in comparing ourselves to others, as the only person that is hurt by that…is ourself! Sometimes it is hard to see our own unique gifts and talents and to focus on those, rather than how good someone else is.
Oh, Beverley! Your story is one so many women can appreciate. We so often stop ourselves from even trying for the very reason you mention. And comparison is the death of joy. Thanks so much for your comments.
Hi Jackie. It’s interesting how we somethings may think that lying to ourselves may be different than lying to someone else.
I especially resonated with “If I do or say X, I can get the other person to change” and “I would change, but X is preventing me.” Dealing with stepmoms and stepfamilies, I hear this often. They are giving away their power to others as well as denying their true value. Thanks for showing us that lying to ourselves does not serve us or others.
Yes! Absolutely giving away our power to others, Claudette. Sometimes I think it’s easier for people to blame others than to take action to improve their lives and relationships with others. Thanks for your comments.