How do you deal with challenging and sometimes difficult people? It can be a true test of our own humanity, our personal and professional relationships, our skills and our boundaries. And many of us would rather not deal with them at all, backing off from uncomfortable — but necessary — conversations in hopes that they will just go away.
Fortunately, handling difficult people at work or elsewhere in our lives is something that can be learned and — with practice — perfected. These tips, learned through MHIGlobal training, will help you get started.
Dealing with difficult people
- Focus on the situation, issue or behavior, not the person. Don’t let yourself get sucked in to name-calling, blaming or emotional reactions. And your reaction is your own, not something someone “made” you do or feel.
Remember to use “I” statements: “When you said this, I felt ____” rather than “You make me so mad!” There is no judgment in the first statement, but an acknowledgement of your own feelings; there is a risk to admitting that, but it’s well worth taking.
Don’t let your ego get in the way of your “I” statement, which could trick you into saying “When you said this, I felt like you made me feel like an idiot.” This is a blaming statement, not an acknowledgement of how you feel.
Here’s a hint: If you use the words “like” or “that” after “I feel ____,” you’re not expressing an emotion but a judgment. You feel happy, sad, angry, jealous and so on — not “I feel like I’m jealous” or “I feel that you’re crazy.”
- Maintain the self-confidence and self-esteem of others. This is closely related to the first. Just because someone has done something stupid does not make them stupid.
Say something like this: “You told me you would do the dishes after dinner and you haven’t done it yet. What’s going on?” Or “Last week you said the report would be finished today. It’s now the end of the day and I don’t have it. What happened?”
Both these statements not only allow people to retain their own dignity, but it allows for open (and hopefully honest) communication. This is always a good thing. You may learn things that you would never find out if you went on the offensive.
- Maintain constructive relationships. This falls under the “don’t burn your bridges” category. Presumably, you have some type of relationship with these difficult people that you want to — or must — maintain.
What is “constructive”? I have come to believe that there is no such thing as “constructive criticism.” To me, criticism is always destructive. Maybe I’m just in spin-doctor mode, but I prefer the term “constructive feedback.” There is a lot less heat in the word “feedback” than in “criticism,” which allows a proper emotional distance, both for the person offering the feedback and the one hearing it.
- Take initiative to make things better. This is the natural outgrowth of
the points made earlier, and it shows that you really do care about the outcome of whatever disagreement or difficulty you find yourself in with others.
Simply ask, “What can I do to help improve this situation?” Or “What would make this easier/better/faster for you to accomplish?” Again, you put yourself in the position of learning something new.
- Lead by example. If you want people to work hard, you need to work hard. If you want people to keep their word, you need to do the same. If you want people to be responsive, you need to be responsive as well. If you want people to listen to you, you need to listen to them. Model the behavior you want to see and you’ll always have the high ground.
These tips are simple. They are not easy, but they can be learned. All it takes is practice. If you’re having a problem with one particular person, find someone with whom you can practice. This gives you a safe space for “do-overs” — we rarely get these conversations right the first time — and the confidence to incorporate these principles into your everyday life. It’s well worth the effort. What techniques have worked well with you in dealing with difficult people? Please share below — I’d love to have some new tactics in my own arsenal!
These tips really ring true, Jackie. When I was in corporate America, these issues were rampant. I especially like focusing on the behavior NOT the person! This is HUGE and when we can reframe our situation to understand it is the behavior and not the person, the way we solve the issue becomes easier, IMO. I also like the tip about leading by example. When we all take the lead in how we expect to behave and how others should behave, it makes the world a better place.
It’s about modeling the behavior we want to see, Tandy…we can’t speak out of both sides of our mouths. Once you focus on the people, all the heat leaves the situation. It becomes much, much easier to have a conversation that actually accomplishes something. Appreciate your comments!
The tips here are golden. I have to say that the “I” statements make a difference in the way we communicate how we feel being aware of our own feelings instead of focusing on blame. I’ve used “constructive criticism” so many times and the last person I said that too it really hurt her feelings. I had to apologize when I realized that the term has a very negative connotation when what I wanted to convey was feedback.
I don’t know how the whole “constructive criticism” thing got started. Probably coined by the same guy who came up with “military intelligence.” 😉 I can tell you from personal experience that it’s really hard to focus on my own feelings, because that makes me feel vulnerable. If I tell someone my feelings are hurt, some part of me feels that I’m opening up myself to more hurt. Strange but true. Thanks for your comments, Webly; much appreciated.
AHHH! As someone who helps others deal with difficult people, these are great tips to use and to remember. I found it interesting how you prefer to use the word “feedback” instead of “criticism.” I can see your point on this and will look into using this reference more often. 😉
Excellent, Claudette. “Feedback” is neutral; “criticism” — even so-called “constructive criticism” — is not. Keep in mind I’m a wordsmith by education and profession, but “constructive criticism” to me says the other person is speaking from a “one up” position…better than the listener…than as an equal. Appreciate your comment.