Three of life’s lessons:
- Not everyone will like you.
- You will not like everyone.
- You’ll have to deal with them anyway.
How, exactly, do you get along with people you don’t like? It’s simple, although I would by lying if I said it was especially easy. It does, however, get easier with practice. Here are some coaching tips to guide you.
How to get along with people you don’t like
There are two underlying strategies for getting along with people you don’t like and they work for business, career and personal relationships:
- Stay away from them. This is easier in some situations than others. If you are voluntarily associating with people you don’t like, stop doing it. Before you give me a “Well, duh!” eye roll, consider this: Sometimes it takes a while to figure out you don’t like someone. When it finally sinks in that Sally is always negative and you’re tired of subjecting yourself to that energy, that’s when you walk away or – as I do on Facebook – happily unfriend them and move on.
- Limit your exposure to them. Sometimes this is a workplace (or business) issue. We can’t stand a colleague or one of our clients is jumping up and down on our last nerve. You are not doing your company or yourself any favors by closely associating with people you actively dislike.
- Limit your conversations. Stick with things that need to take place to get the job done. Be cordial, but don’t agree to participate in social activities with them. Don’t let them stop by your cubby for a gossip session. If they do, stand up and talk to them so they get the idea that you’re on a tight schedule with no time to chat. If they don’t take the hint, say it: “I don’t have time to talk now. I’m working on a big project with a looming deadline.”
How to rescue a relationship
If you’d like to turn around these relationships, here are some additional coaching tips.
- Stop judging. This is probably the most important. The person you don’t like may be dealing with a death in the family…or a terminal diagnosis for himself. She may be living in her car. He may not have enough to eat. She may be going through a horrible divorce. The point is: You don’t have the full story. You never will have the full story. Stop judging. Be kind. As an added bonus, being non-judgmental will reduce the tension and stress in your life. Let it go.
- Listen. Another truism is that we dislike and fear things we don’t understand. The way to be more understanding is to talk to these people. Don’t wait until you explode in a confrontation. Who are they? What do they do to have fun? How many siblings do they have? What’s the coolest place they’ve ever visited? Pick a time when things are going well between you and begin a conversation.
When you listen, you learn new things. You’ll take the heat out of your personal exchanges. You may find common ground in your experience, your background, your likes and dislikes. You’ll stop being pissed off all the time, which is good for your blood pressure and overall health. And maybe best of all, you’ll see them as a real human being instead of a collection of irritating habits.
- Figure it out. Why don’t you like this person? One of the things I’ve learned is that many times the things that bug me about others are those qualities or behaviors I like least about myself. If it really is you and not them, work on your own stuff.
- Be honest. How about saying, “We seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot/taken a wrong turn. How can we improve our relationship/get beyond this?” Pick a time when things are going well (or at least better) for best results.
- Establish boundaries. This doesn’t have to be confrontational. A friend of mine who was being bullied calmly and with great dignity said, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way.” Boom. The bully apologized. Still gives me tingles thinking about that; what a great way to not only set boundaries but to claim your own power.
You don’t have to be aggressively bullied to draw a line in the sand. If you are being yelled at, given the cold shoulder, blamed for things you didn’t do, follow my friend’s example and simply say, “I don’t deserve to be treated this way.”
- Agreeably disagree. One of my long-ago bosses whom I absolutely loathed said to me once, “You don’t have to be disagreeable to disagree.” As much as I hated to admit it, he had an excellent point. Don’t be sucked into stupid, meaningless arguments that no one will win.
Try these things; you may discover that Harold the Horrid isn’t as bad as you thought — merely human, just like you. Who knows? You may even grow to like him.
How do you handle people you don’t like? What’s your best tip? Please share in the comments.
Great tips for being with people that we don’t like Jackie. I try to be detached and watch people with neutrality and amusement. Not liking someone, and not liking what they say is different. I tend to move away from people who have an agenda with me and want to convince me of something. On the other hand, I do go out of my way to hear opinions held by others which I know are not the same as my own. I do this better when they are not directing their talk at me though. I tend to be less resistant that way. I like to think we are all doing the best we can at the time.
I agree with the distinctions you’ve drawn between liking people and liking what they say. And I also appreciate how you use humor and neutrality to aid in your detachment from what could be heated situations. I do think it’s important to listen to other points of view and if we disagree, to talk about the situation, not attack the other person. Thanks for stopping by, Candess.
Your title made me laugh. I think it was timing. Anyway, I shy away from such people. I protect myself from having negative energy. Life is to short to be gloomy.
Glad you liked it, Lorii. I fell in love with the photo when I saw it. Perfect illustration! And yes, I do the same thing, but sometimes you have no choice but to deal with unpleasant people. Hopefully my tips will make it easier. Appreciate your comments.
Great article that will help everyone deal with people they don’t like. I really like to see things from their point of view and LISTEN to what they are saying. So often, we are defensive and don’t take time to really understand where someone is coming from. When we do have a mutual understand and respect for one another, one can usually find common ground.
Yes! Much of our listening is reactive instead of active — the only reason why we pay attention is so we can come up with snappy comeback. If only they would shut up long enough to let us rip! 😉 Sadly, I think the public discourse in our country since the last election has turned into attack-dog mode…and that’s insulting attack dogs.
These tips would be great for families as well. Not all relationships within a family, whether it’s nuclear or step are smooth sailing. We all have our ups and downs.
Limiting exposure to people you don’t like helps to diffuse some of the negative emotion but only if you don’t start creating these long stories in your head.
Great post.
So true, Claudette. These tips are good for just about any situation where you don’t like the people you are thrown together with. Even if the “liking” is a temporary thing — or maybe even because it is a temporary thing. Never make permanent decisions based on temporary conditions, right? Thanks so much for your comments.
This is so good, Jackie. We all have to deal with people we don’t like sometimes and your tips are excellent. Stop judging – YES. We really don’t know what other people are going through. Listen – YES. I totally agree it is the things we don’t understand that make us fearful and then hateful. Work out your own stuff – double YES. I have experienced that so many times – not liking someone because of their ‘faults’, which I later recognised were mine.
Love the comment about their faults being yours: I have found that what ticks me off most about others is my flaws I see in them. Isn’t that weird how that happens? It’s like our better nature is tapping us on the shoulder and saying, “Umm…pay attention here!”
Great article and tips!
Thanks, Ariane. High praise coming from an HR exec!