Trying to prevent change is like trying to empty the ocean with a spoon – it’s a never-ending, ultimately futile task that keeps us stuck. But if you are facing a life transition, there are ways to cope.
How to deal with a life transition
1. Take a deep breath and step back. For the most part, we’re invested in the status quo. It’s comfortable. We’ve always done things this way. We’ve never done things that way. We tried that other thing once and it didn’t work.
To move beyond that, examine the change as objectively as you can. Is there anything you can do about it? Some things – like the death of a loved one or being fired from a job – are beyond our control. Other events, such as a deteriorating relationship or moving to a new area, may be within your power to influence. With most life changes, it’ll be really difficult at first, but with time you will be able to manage and move on. A positive mental attitude will help you move on.
Understand that change is disruptive – even when it’s something you want. Moving to a new community, taking a new job, learning new skills can be exciting and terrifying at the same time.
2. Be flexible. If something in your life isn’t working, you need to adapt without compromising your values or beliefs. Where a lot of people run into trouble is trying to change other people. You can’t, and the sooner you recognize that, the better off you will be. Focus on yourself first and forget about fighting change. It’s a waste of energy.
3. Be open. Is it possible that this transition is not as horrible as you think? Being fired is never fun, but you may find that job that is the perfect fit for you. Getting a divorce can be excruciating, but do you want to be in a relationship that causes you grief? At the very least, ask yourself: What can I learn from this? There is always something you can learn, even as you cope with a death in the family.
4. Let go of the past. Endings are natural. Take the lessons, apply them and move on.
5. Recognize and honor your feelings. The more you try to stuff your feelings, the longer they will last. If you need to throw yourself a pity party – complete with heartfelt sobs and boo-hoos – go ahead and do it. Let it all hang out. But don’t let it overtake your life. Feel the pain and grief, and move on.
6. Be a lifelong learner. There is always something new coming along. You can be overwhelmed by it, or you can embrace it. While it’s easy to just throw up our hands and say, “Forget it! I’ve gotten along just fine up till now,” that doesn’t help us make us new and better choices or adapt to new circumstances.
7. Surround yourself with people who want you to succeed. I hate to say this, but they might not be your loved ones.
Friends and families have a huge emotional stake in keeping you just the way you are. Any transition you have made, or are planning to make, will disrupt that. What they believe, feel and say will almost always be colored by their relationship with you.
Will they tell you the whole, unvarnished truth? And will their advice make you resentful or angry?
8. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Just because you can do something on your own doesn’t mean you have to do it all alone. There are plenty of people who are willing to give you a hand if you just ask. Consider talking with those who have no personal stake in your success, who are supportive and willing to honestly provide the advice and information you seek. They could be lawyers, accountants, other business owners, managers, sales people – anyone whose opinion you respect, who will take your calls or answer your emails when you’re stumped or just need a sympathetic listener. A life transition coach can provide all those things.
9. Take care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, get plenty of sleep, do things just for you and focus on what’s going right instead of what’s gone wrong. Also recognize what’s good about you. Make a list of your accomplishments, your special talents and abilities.
Life transitions are hard, but they are rarely fatal. You have what it takes to move through them. Believe in yourself, and believe that something better is just ahead. Because it usually is.
What have you learned about life transitions? Please leave your comments below.
My cousin has been having a lot of problems while he is trying to transition his life with the death of his wife. It has been really hard for him, and the kids. He thinks that taking a course on how to handle change taught by a professional could be really useful. I liked what you said about how he should make sure to honor his feelings, but be sure that it doesn’t overtake his life.
So sorry to hear about your cousin, Adam. Losing people we thought we’d spend our lives with has to be devastating. If your cousin believes a class on how to handle change would help, I would encourage that. It may also be possible that he could benefit from one-on-one therapy, if he hasn’t already tried it. I know it’s worked for me during tumultuous times in my life. Best of luck to him and thanks for writing.