A coaching client came to me recently, saying she needed help negotiating with her boss for certain considerations.
Glad to help! Women have a hard time negotiating for what they want for a variety of reasons. Chief among those reasons: They feel they don’t deserve it (whatever “it” is) or they are afraid to speak up.
Here’s the good news. They do deserve it (whatever “it” is) and negotiating skills can be learned.
As we were talking about determining a range of options, the research that was required, what to say, how to dress, the body language to display and so on, it became clear that this specific issue was not about work, but about her home life.
“If you get what you want from your boss,” I asked her, “will it resolve the problems you have at home?”
Career or home?
The answer was “no.” Not only that, it may have worsened her home situation.
At the end of the call, she told me her big takeaway was understanding that she had multiple options, not just the two she had going in to our conversation. It helped open the field for her and relieved some of the pressure she was feeling in an “either/or” situation that really didn’t exist.
It reminded me of my West Coast client who, after a hiatus of 18 months, wanted coaching to help her jump back into global commerce. It took one coaching call – just one – for her to decide she didn’t want to do that after all. What she really wanted to do was open a B&B.
Later in our coaching relationship, we talked about her massive shift in career focus and she gave me what I think was one of the finest compliments I’ve ever received as a coach.
“It was because of you. You gave me permission to think about other possibilities.”
That is the beauty of working with a coach. She has your best interests at heart but she is not invested in your preconceived notions of you are, what you can do and what you want to be, do and have.
Another woman, a single mom who is working four jobs to make ends meet while raising a young family, told me she was mortified that she was setting an awful example for her daughters.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there! Are you kidding me?
I told her she was setting a fine example for her kids: That you keep going. That you do what you have to do. That you don’t give up. That you always look for things that will improve your life.
These are terrific behaviors and values to model for your children. For anyone! However, she was fighting so hard for survival that she lost sight of the great life lessons she was unconsciously teaching them.
If you find yourself similarly hooked on the horns of a false dilemma, ask yourself these questions:
- Are these my only choices? Remember, there are always more than two options.
- If I could do anything I wanted, what would that be? What would I have to do to get there?
- How would I feel about myself if I did those things?
- How would that choice affect those around me? Don’t forget that you have no control over how others feel, act or believe. They choose those for themselves, just as you do.
In what area of your life would you like to expand your options? Please share in the comments below.
P.S. If you’d like to talk about your own dilemma, I’m happy to chat. Just email jackie@key-dynamics.com and we’ll set up a time for a conversation (no charge).
Isn’t it so true that we as women often don’t search our hearts for what we really want, Jackie. But what a wonderful guide you are for sorting through that! Love this.
So true, Susan. And most of us only see two choices in virtually every situation. It takes a conscious effort to get beyond that. Thanks for your comments.
Agree, Jackie. there’s the tendency to look at things as either/or choices without considering other possibilities. Having someone look at your situation objectively or with new eyes can can make a big difference. This is a good reason for having a coach, and if it’s you how lucky can that person be!
Aww…aren’t you a darling, Joyce! Thanks so much for your kind words. Much appreciated!
Very thought provoking, jackie. if i could do whatever i wanted, i would continue to help people regain their health, but without thought of earning a living from it.
Ah yes…the old “earning a living” thing. What so many “follow your passion” people don’t tell you is that passion is not enough. A solid foundation, yes, particularly to get you through the tough times, when you’d rather quit. But you need people who will BUY what you’re selling — whether it’s business and life coaching or wellness coaching and products — for you to be a financial success as well.
We can always use a little perspective. I love these questions. As always, thanks for making me think. =)
Completely my pleasure, Sabrina!
These are great coaching stories, Jackie, and those women are lucky to have you! I couldn;t agree more – it’s all about what you focus on!
I appreciate your comments, Reba. Thanks!
It can be difficult to see answers to our own problems. Thanks goodness there are coaches like you around!!! 🙂
So sweet, Lisa! Thanks for your comments.
I love the theme of this post, as I believe in a world of unlimited possibilities as well. There is Never only one way…always many choices and Options. So happy to hear you are supporting women to see that either/or is limiting. Thanks for the reminder in this post, Jackie!
I appreciate your comments, Beverley. Sometimes we can go from being too limited by our options to being overwhelmed by them all. It’s a fine line to walk. Which is another place where coaching is invaluable.
It’s easy to set our goals in line with the expectations of others, without even realizing we are doing it. How wonderful that you are helping other women open their minds to all the possibilities out there.
Thanks, Tami. I absolutely love showing women that they do have what it takes to be a success in whatever they want to do.
Such great wisdom! When times are complicated, things are often not nearly as black and white as they may seem. But we can’t always see things clearly for ourselves.
Jennifer, some things are black and white — when they violate your principles or values, for example. But most of life’s decisions are rarely so cut and dried. And because we’re so close to the situation, it is hard to see.
our possibilities really are all endless aren’t they? I love that you showed us how the right coach will look at our situation objectively, listen and offer options. Your story of the woman who ended up opening a b&B is wonderful.
Thanks, Alene. My B&B client’s story is one of my favorites to tell!
Having a coach or mentor can be really helpful. Sometimes just being aware of what is around us can help as well. I remember when I was working out at the gym with Lisa about 20 years ago. She used two lockers for her items. It shocked me. I started using two lockers after that. What freedom. Then about 10 years later when working out with Cheyenne, she saw I used two lockers. She was shocked and generalized that to all areas of her life where she had previously limited herself. Now she lives with the symbolic two lockers in many areas of her life!
Isn’t it interesting how the smallest thing will change our perspective? Thanks for your comments.
Love your example about the single mom of 4… I love how I have impacted by girls; they tell me how proud of me they are and and all of the awesome things I have taught them, leaving their father, going back to school, standing out from the other parents, busting rearing as a single mom, starting a business and finding a man who worships me…
Wow! What a massive list of accomplishments, Kristen! Good for you, and for your girls, that you all recognize what you’ve done in your life (so far). We all expect to see you continue to do great things in the future. xxoo
Hi Jackie 🙂
Love the new look of your blog!!!
I agree that Having a coach and or mentor is so important as they will help guide you in the direction that you need to go. As a woman who just until recently decided that being online and learning how to make a living at what I love is what drives me daily…..All I know is that I always have a choice and once I started focusing on the right thing….things started to open for me.
Awesome post and share!!
Thanks, Joan. Glad you like the new look! And yes, we always have a choice. We just have to be open to them. Appreciate your comments!
Interesting that a low percentage have negotiation skills because we are always having to negotiate whether we are in a business or personal environment. I usually prepare in advance because I have found that when I enter into such activities with neither thought nor plan for the manner by which I will engage, I place myself in a less favorable position than if I had thought through the process.
Absolutely agree, Rachel. It’s part of our mindset (which you know all about!) that we automatically say, “I can’t.” Horse pucky.
Jackie,
Great article with a lot of thought-provoking information. Thank you for all the good tips.
So glad you liked it, Lori! We already know most of this stuff, but it’s always good to be reminded, right?