Do you come home from work every day feeling dispirited and dragged-out, tired and put upon? Do you believe that no one appreciates or respects you to the level you deserve? Worse – do you feel you’re not worthy of that respect?
I think that happens to all of us at some point in our lives, especially when things are going poorly and we’re under a lot of pressure to perform or produce, when declining health or finances plagues us or when our close, intimate relationships appear to disintegrate.
It’s hard to feel any level of self-respect when your beloved has found someone new, when your boss has decided you no longer fit in the organization or even when you look in the mirror and see a woman who just doesn’t care anymore about the way she looks.
That last may sound shallow, but I think it’s one of our early warning signs that our self-respect is taking a beating. It’s a clarion call from our subconscious that it’s time to pull ourselves up, take stock and make some changes in our lives.
How to pull yourself together
There are lots of moving parts on how we can develop (or regain) our self-respect, but I think so much of it grows out of this simple statement: We need to start loving ourselves just the way we are, right here, right now.
In my last article, I talked about how we women can be exceedingly vicious – to ourselves. And that must stop. So many of those who commented on that article said what really rang their chimes was my remark that we should talk to ourselves as we would talk to our best friends. Not accusing. Not hate-filled. Not mean-spirited. I don’t care how low our self-esteem is, most of us would not tolerate from other people the abuse we heap on ourselves.
So changing our self-talk is a huge part of reclaiming our self-respect. Here are some other ways we can do that:
- Know your values. Spend as much time as you need making a list, top of mind, of all those things you value – honesty, kindness, courage, joy, friendship, love and so on. This your foundation. From that comes your boundaries: What are the lines you will not cross, no matter what? Having clear, strong boundaries will also help you pump up your self-respect. Come up with 10 or 15 core values that you feel good basing your life on.
- Create a values-centered plan. Your self-respect will go up immeasurably when you create a plan that focuses on achieving goals so you may live your life according to your values. Pick no more than three values from the list you just created and come up with a plan. A coach (career, business or life) can help you with the process and on track. And then work your plan, putting deadlines in place. When your first goals are achieved, celebrate, create new ones.
- Identify what you can improve. We all have room for improvement. Add that to your goals. Maybe it’s a taking a public speaking class or reading an inspirational biography each month. Celebrate all your victories, large and small. The little ones build add up into into big ones.
- Take pride in yourself. You don’t have to go heavily into debt to get a decent haircut or invest in a few pieces of good-quality clothing that make you feel fabulous. But it’s more than just your appearance. It’s about taking pride in what you know and what you can do, the challenges you’ve overcome and the mountains you’ve climbed. One of the best ways to bring that pride into sharper focus is to update your resume. I guarantee you’ll be surprised at how much you’ve accomplished and learned.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Jealousy is counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. What a waste of energy! Every person is struggling with issues we cannot see, has suffered losses we know nothing about. Don’t use others’ good fortune to beat yourself up, or their or misfortune to help you feel good about yourself.- Learn how to handle criticism. It’s rarely about you, even if
what you said or did caused an outbreak of rudeness. Usually, it’s something that’s going on in the critic’s life. If your critic is a supervisor, ask for specific feedback so (a) you can judge whether it’s meaningful and (b) how to adjust your behavior, if necessary. - Learn how to handle negative emotions. This is hard for women, and yet our emotional intelligence is what makes us such great leaders. To learn more about how to handle difficult emotions (yours and others’) in the workplace, click the image at the end of this article.
- Focus on the path, not the destination. Sometimes we can work our butts off to achieve a certain goal only to fall short. And we allow that failure to rob us of our self-respect. Here’s the thing: If we focus instead on our effort – doing the best we can do – instead of the outcome, we can always be proud of what we’ve achieved.
- Stop hating yourself and others. This is closely associated with forgiving yourself and others. None of us is perfect and to judge ourselves (and others) by past mistakes does not improve our present.
- Treat yourself with respect – and demand that others treat you respectfully, too.
Being respectful to yourself means watching your self-talk, taking care of your health (mental, physical and emotional) and not lying to or stealing from yourself. When it comes to getting respect from others, your values list will be a big help, but mostly it’s a gut feeling. You know when people are treating you like something nasty on the bottom of their shoe. Don’t put up with it – or them. Develop some assertiveness skills (another area in which coaching can be helpful) to deal with these people head on in a respectful fashion. Or just walk away…and keep walking. - Check in with yourself every so often. How is the boundary thing working? How do you feel about yourself? Are you proud of what you’ve accomplished? Are you more confident? If you’re struggling, ask for help. It’s a sign of strength.
Stop comparing yourself to others. Jealousy is counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. What a waste of energy! Every person is struggling with issues we cannot see, has suffered losses we know nothing about. Don’t use others’ good fortune to beat yourself up, or their or misfortune to help you feel good about yourself.
Do you have any tips you’d like to share about ways women can improve their levels of self-respect? What’s worked for you? I’d love to read about it in the comments below.
“Be kind to yourself” powerful words that many people I know need to read.
No matter how I feel, I get up and show and put my make up on too.
I take pride in my appearance and I say ‘why not’!
Good deal, Sonya! It’s amazing how little things like that can have a huge impact on our mood and productivity. Thanks for sharing.
Really great advice, Jackie! I love that you begin with the focus on one’s own values. I’m a fan of Martin Seligman’s work, and his studies proved that we do the very best (and are the happiest) when we focus on our strengths, rather than even improving our weaknesses. The latter is important, but pales in comparison to the former.
Love this post!
Thanks, Susan. Focusing on improving our weaknesses is so old school. 🙂 Yes, there are things you should work to improve on — communication skills comes to mind immediately, especially active listening — but to try to force ourselves to be become a bookkeeping genius (for example) is crazy when there are so many bookkeeping geniuses out there who deserve our support…and who can support us in our business or career.
So much good advice in this Jackie. It’s sometimes really hard to drag yourself back from that place where you have no confidence or love for yourself. I felt this way when my sons were teenagers and I realised there was no longer any point in being a stay at home mum. I forced myself to take a course, updated my resume (you are right, I was amazed at the skills I had to offer), and got a job which led me to the work I do (and love) now. I agree, it is so helpful to focus on the effort you are putting in and celebrate your successes, no matter how small.
Love it, Tami. Thanks for sharing your story. I love that you were able to make these decisions — and take actions based on them — to move forward. What an inspiration you are!
Jackie,
Great article and I liked the part about respecting ourselves is a big part of who are and how we communicate with others. The questions are great and lead to critical thinking about what I have done to get myself into a position that allows me to find new ways to generate new therapeutic interventions. Respect Yourself and Others. Great article.
Lori English
Thanks, Lori. So glad you found it useful…for yourself as well as others.
I found myself going through your article saying to myself, “that’s me, that’s me, oh darn…that one is me too!” I’m infinitely tougher on myself than anyone else ever will be. Thankfully I’ve worked hard to change my mindset and give myself room to breathe. Doing this has made me more creative, happier, and more fulfilled. A truly relatable article that will resonate with many!
Well said, Meghan re becoming more creative, happier and more fulfilled. All great reasons to cut yourself some slack. One of the things I like to tell my clients. “You’ve tried beating yourself up and that didn’t work. How about being kind to yourself for a change?”
These are all such good reminders. They are the kind of things that many people know but sometime you need to look yourself in the mirror and say them out loud to recommit yourself. I loved your graphics so much I just pinned them to my board on inspiration and motivation!
Wow! Thanks, Crystal. High praise indeed. Glad you found it useful.
Great article! As I have moved thorough life from professional, to stay-at-home-mom, to small-business owner, each phase brings with it learning about who we are. I have found that the best thing for me was to care about my appearance at each stage, as this keeps me healthier and saner.
That’s terrific, Robin. How we look says a lot about how we feel about ourselves. One of the things I’ve learned over the years is that it’s just as easy to throw on something attractive and well-fitting as it is to thrown on baggy sweats and an over-sized T-shirt. Appreciate your comments.
Yes value yourself and seek your divine guidance, there’s always an answer if you ask – and listen. 🙂
So true, Teresa, about asking yourself and listening it. There’s an exercise I have my coaching clients do when they are faced with a dilemma that is tearing them apart. At the conclusion of the exercise, I ask them to heed the FIRST thing that comes up for them — which is their intuition. Not the second thing, which generally is their brain, telling them how stupid the first thing truly is!
I love your tip around know your values Jackie. I have three values – passion, integrity and consistency – that I use to inform what I do every day. It helps in my business and my personal life. Every time I need to question how I spend my time, I look to these values and how I might live up to them.
Excellent, Clive. Great values to have and to keep top of mind. I bet they help you stay focused and on track. Thanks for sharing that.
knowing our values feels like a great first step to getting back into gear. I like the idea of writing them down too. For me, taking the time to put the values on paper really seems to cement them. And I LOVE the Leo Buscaglia quote! I saw him in person once years ago. A great man
If we don’t know our values, Alene, we are just bumping around like balls in a pinball machine. Good to hear you write down your values; I’m a big proponent of writing things down. Research has shown that doing so (not on a computer, but with pen and paper) installs that information more firmly in your brain. And if you really want to get the point across, use pencil. Just that little addition drag of the graphite across the paper helps the information sink in more deeply.
Love the quote from Leo Buscaglia! All of these tips build and support the others, Jackie. They strongly resonate with me as reminders to step back and see where we are now and acknowledge our strengths. Then we can move forward from a more conscious place.
I thought it was great, too, Bev. And I’m delighted with your takeaway. Wish I’d said that! (Of course, it’s more powerful coming from you!)
So many women in our society are really hard on themselves. The suggestions in this blog are fantastic! I would also add to give yourSelf permission to do what you really want and stop being everything to everyone else. No is a complete sentence.
Amen, sister! You are definitely singing my song in the “no” department. I caution people to be careful about adding excuses (or what they call “reasons”) when they decline to participate in whatever. If you say, “I don’t have the time,” they say, “Oh, there’s no rush.” If you say, “It’s not my area of expertise,” they say, “But you’re so smart! I know you can do this!” If you say, “This isn’t my job,” they say, “Just think what a fabulous impression you’ll make on the boss!” So…no. Just say no and save yourself the ongoing aggravation. P.S. Will people be pissed at you? Probably. But honestly, do you care about the opinions of master manipulators?
Hi Jackie 🙂
Loved these tips! It is so important to respect yourself and you have shared so many awesome ways we can do that…thank you 🙂 I feel taking care of my emotional health and my physical health plays such an important role in making sure I am on top of my game daily 🙂
Joan, I’m with you a thousand percent on the physical and emotional health front. It’s vital for every aspect of our lives, including business and career. Thanks for your comments.
Taking pride in yourself is such a good one! It’s amazing how different I feel when I’m put together on the outside. It makes a huge difference!
Absolutely agree, Jennifer. If you’re feeling down in the dumps, there’s nothing like getting yourself all gussied up to make you feel better.
This is most excellent and I think as a mom who works her ass off at home for home AND business… we often don’t get the respect we deserve because after all, we are sitting on our asses eating bon-bons, right? That is what I struggle with.. when I worked for corporate America, I wasn’t treated as such, but then, working from home, well.. since you are home, you can do this, that and the other… I don’t think they realize they do it… no matter how many times they are reminded. ugh
Oh yes. That happens a lot. “Since you’re already at home, you can…catch the delivery guy, take my dog out for a walk, pick up my mail, keep on eye out for intruders” and so on. Not gonna happen!
“Focus on the path, not the destination” just jumped out at me. It is so true. When you focus on what you are doing, the goal takes care of itself and then if you don’t achieve it you don’t have to berate yourself because of all the successes along the way. I will be sharing.
Good deal, Karen! And thanks for sharing. I appreciate it.
As I come to admit the year is almost over. I can look back at everything I wanted to accomplish and still feel respect for the things I did accomplish. That comes from respect for the to-do-list. The take-care-of-yourself list needs to earn more respect. Got caught in the trap of taking care of others again, but I did make strides in giving myself more time alone. My greatest takeaway is focusing on the path not the destination. Hey, I can do that!
That’s such great news, Joyce. We’re all a work in progress. Re path vs. destination: We need to know where we’re going, but not be so invested in the outcome. That’s where “focusing on the path” comes in — enjoying what you have, while you have it.
Yes yes yes!!! I absolutely love ❤️ this article and ideas about self/love. Self-love is the best love and boundaries is KEY to this. Treating myself like my best friend is the best thing I can do for myself. Boundaries is huge. I wrote an article last week about this very topic. Thanks for the inspiration and reminders.
You’re welcome, Tandy. One of the best things ever is asking yourself, “Would you speak to your best friend this way?” If the answer is no, change your own self-talk.
Jackie, I love your suggestions to write down all of your values. This is a huge step when working on picking yourself up! If we do not respect ourselves and value what we have inside, then no one will.
I think writing down your values is a good refresher for all of us, Mindy. It’s too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day drama and forget those things that drive us, that mean the most to us. An occasional review — especially when we’re stressed or fearful — will help shore us up.
We do need to be kind to self and experiment with different ways to bring in the feelings and emotions we desire…allow imperfection and let go of our inner critic. It is that permission and acceptance that allows us to return to ourselves.
Terrific points, Rachel. We women, sadly, feel we need to be perfect before we will take a chance. We miss out on a lot that way. Sometimes “good enough” is good enough.
Good points, I agree that you need to like yourself and do your thing and not get too affected by what others think and want.
Katarina, as you age, it gets easier to be unaffected by others’ opinions. But it doesn’t go away entirely. I still find myself, on occasion, being concerned over losing a “friend” on Facebook, for example. But then I realize: I don’t need these people in my life.
This is a great compilation of advice. I like that they focus on looking deeper on to self and contemplating what can be done. Inner work definitely starts with recognizing that you can be the best version of you.
Success, peace, respect, happiness — they are all inside jobs, Lorii. Thanks for your comments.