What to say when you’re speechless

It happens to every one of us – someone says or does something and we are left speechless, caught flat-footed with absolutely no idea how to respond.

Case in point: One day several years ago, I dined with my mom, who was visiting from Minnesota, at one of my favorite restaurants.

I caught the manager’s eye and after the introductions, the first thing out of his mouth was, “I hear you’re working for So-and-So. I guess you’ll do anything for money.”

And he laughed. I guess that was supposed to be my cue that he was joking. I didn’t think it was funny in the least.

This man is not known for his social graces, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me that he would be that gauche. However…in front of my mother?

Hard to believe, I know, but I was speechless.

I managed to mumble something – I have absolutely no recollection what – but it ticked me off so badly that I vowed to take my business elsewhere. Forever.

And while I will not gratuitously bad-mouth him in town, if someone asks me about him or it comes up in conversation, I will certainly recount the conversation…at least his side of it (since that’s all I remember), and what I thought of his boorish behavior.

Looking back — and don’t we all become smarter and more eloquent in hindsight? — I should have cut him dead with a few pithy words. The four-letter variety would have been out of the question, as my mom was not fond of foul language, no matter the provocation.  But oh! The temptation!

That experience, coupled with a coaching conversation I had in my Power of Women Facebook group, led me to create this list of tips on what to say when you’re speechless. These will work in social and business situations; amend them as needed.

What to do when you’re caught off-guard

• The silent stare. Is there anything more effective than the silent treatment, coupled with a look that could freeze the Amazon River? Feel free to cock an eyebrow for added effect.
• “I beg your pardon?” This may be combined with The Silent Stare, but first allow the silence to become uncomfortable.
• “Why would you say/ask such a thing?” Again, this can be combined effectively with the two previous tips, but it certainly can stand robustly on its own. One of my group members also suggested adding some junk words to make it a little less “in your face” but still be effective: “That’s an interesting question/point. Why do you ask?”

“Why” can be a confrontational word, and if the situation doesn’t call for it, then soften your language by saying, “What brings that to mind?” or “What made you think of that?”

• “Let me think about that.” This is great for business. It also can be gussied-up with a “Gee, that’s interesting” before you get to the meat of the matter. Unless your situation calls for an immediate response – like you’ve just collapsed at your desk and the paramedic wants to know how you feel – you can always, always, put off a response by using this phrase.

In a business situation, add in a deadline, if necessary, so the conversation could go like this: “How interesting/fascinating! Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you by ___ with my response.”

• “No and…” Or any of its various permutations. We in business get asked to do free stuff all the time. When a man I met through LinkedIn started asking me for in-depth support via coaching, I told him I would love to help him and sent him my investment schedule. He was shocked – shocked! – that I wanted to be paid for my experience and knowledge. He responded that he was not a rich man. Yeah, well, I’m not rich either, and I certainly won’t get that way by giving away my services.

It’s important to listen to your gut on this one. We all give away a certain amount of information, because that’s how we build trust and credibility. And sometimes, depending on the level of personal connection you have with someone, you will happily go above and beyond. But if your gut is warning you that this unknown prospect is looking for a major investment of your time and effort for free, you need to draw the line.

Note that the above tip includes the word “and.” In a business situation, it’s important to leave the door open. “And” provides the opportunity to continue the conversation. Using “No, but” leaves you open to manipulation. “No, but I would really love to help out” often leads to added pressure to do the thing you don’t want to do, because all he has to do is overcome the objection. And he will try – believe me.

• Walk away. In more dire situations, you can just pick up and leave. Say, “I’m not prepared to talk about this right now,” then get up and walk. In most cases, this will work well, but use this judiciously. I tried this with a boss once, when I was on verge of tears after a bawling-out, and he made me sit my unhappy butt right back down in the chair until he was done reaming me out.

All these responses will require some practice, and some nerve. The good news: The more you practice, the less nerve it will require and the easier it will be to pull them out at a moment’s notice.

Write them down. Practice them. They will give you more power and help you learn how to respond to people when you’re caught off-guard.

Have you been caught with your drawers down, in a manner of speaking? What response worked for you? Please share in the comments.