Here’s what chaps my cheeks: People who try to take advantage of you.
And it happens all the time. The sleazy mechanic who tells you on the phone the price will be $147 and when you go to pick up your car, it’s $450. The clerk who insists you only gave him a $10 bill when you know damn well you gave him a $20. The client who says you screwed up, when you were just following her directions, and she wants you to redo the job — for free.
Time to stop that nonsense. Right. This. Minute. Here are a few techniques that can help you learn how to stop people from manipulating you.
Assertiveness techniques that work
The first one is very simple: “No.” Just that one word. “No.” If you feel you need to elaborate, feel free to say, “No, I can’t do that.” Or “No, I wish I could.” Or, if you feel you must, “No, I’m sorry.”
The one thing you do NOT want to do — ever — is give a reason or an excuse. Because the really talented manipulators will always find a way around any excuse you give them.
Example:
John: “I would really appreciate it if you could take care of my dog while I’m on vacation.”
You: “Oh, John, I would love to, but I don’t have them time.”
John: “Sure you do! Spot only needs to go out twice a day. You can do that! You work from home.”
And here you have a choice:
1. You can get into an argument with John about how valuable your time is, that working from home does not mean slacking off, eating chocolates and watching TV all day. That you DO have clients and you have projects that must be completed and blah blah blah. The problem with this solution is that by justifying your choice, you give John the right to judge — and thereby control — your behavior.
2. You can suck it up and take Spot out a couple of times a day because you didn’t want the argument, the confrontation. The problem with this choice is that you end up losing another piece of your self-respect, hating yourself for it and resenting John for taking advantage of you.
There is a third alternative: Saying no — and sticking to it — by using three of my favorite basic assertive-language techniques, Broken Record, Fogging and Negative Assertion. These techniques come from the classic — and strongly recommended assertiveness book, “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty,” by Manuel J. Smith, Ph.D.
Broken Record is exactly what it sounds like: You keep repeating yourself, as many times as necessary, to get the pont across. Fogging is agreeing with your critic, which — trust me on this — will drive them right around the bend. And the third, Negative Assertion, is accepting the truth in the critical comment.
Here’s how that conversation could go using these techniques.
John: “I would really appreciate it if you could take care of my dog while I’m on vacation.”
You: “Oh, John, I would love to help out, but I can’t.”
John: “What do you mean, you can’t? You work from home, for crying out loud!”
You: “You’re right, I do work from home.” (Fogging)
John: “Great! Let me give you my key so you can take care of him.”
You: “Keep the key, John; I can’t take care of Spot for you.” (Broken Record)
John: “I can’t believe this! I know you took care of Fred’s cat when he was called out of town.”
You: “I did, didn’t I?” (Fogging, Negative Assertion) “Unfortunately, I can’t take care of Spot when you go on vacation.” (Broken Record)
John: “You are a crappy neighbor! Don’t ever ask me for a favor, because I’ll tell you where to stick it!”
You: “You could be right; I could be a better neighbor.” (Fogging)
John: “A good neighbor would help out.”
You: “I guess I’m just a lousy neighbor, because I can’t take care of Spot.” (Fogging, Broken Record)
At that point, what else is he going to do? He’s abused you, criticized you, called you names and all the while he’s been swinging at fog. He never lands a punch because you don’t give him a hard surface to strike.
What fun!
He goes away mad — but he does go away. And you’ve gotten yourself out of an obligation you didn’t want, held on to your self-esteem, and kept control of your time (and your temper). What’s not to like?
Your relationship with John may be chilly going forward, but does that really matter? John has demonstrated that your needs (and your feelings) are less important than his, and that he will go to any lengths to get what he wants. This is not someone I want to pal around with.
Which of these techniques resonate with you? Please comment below.
Thank you very much for your pointers on how to deal with a manipulating person with assertiveness.
Glad you found it useful!
Woah! These are really useful techniques!
But I have a question, what if they directly ask “why”? Should one answer without giving them a reason?
Thank you so much for sharing.
Great question! You are under no obligation to give anyone a reason. “No” should be enough — but as we know, with some people it rarely is. If they say, “Why can’t you do this for me?” simply “I just can’t do it. Please don’t ask me again.” And repeat until they either stop asking or you get tired of hearing them ask and walk away. Any explanation you give will provide more ammunition for them to push you. Eventually you’ll get tired of the pressure and give in. Which is exactly what they want.